I an appropriate world, you're not there. 

These are the words that Rebecca Sugar said on the Queery podcast, which I listened to tonight. They are words that immediately jumped out at me, and I'd like to keep this post short to take advantage of the clarifying powers of brevity. Not usually my strong suit. Here goes. 

Rebecca Sugar, in making her statement, refers to what the world looks like for queer people -- in this specific case, bisexual people -- as a child, learning from the media. It's a statement that I identified a lot with growing up, maybe more than any other identifying marker I had. 

I was a writer. I was an "old soul." I was a musician (though I didn't know it), a dedicated student, and even an "opinionated mouth," but whatever I was, I was an oddball. I loved watching the Simpsons because it turned the world on its head. I loved literally turning myself on my head, propping myself upside down on the couch and churning my feet above me. I imagined spending my days travelling the ceiling. I think I liked the idea so much because, up there, I would be the only ceiling-walker. I would be defining normal as me; as weird, and also okay. I think I always wanted desperately to get to be weird, and also OK. 

Rebecca Sugar is the creator of Steven Universe. It is a children's show, but I wonder how many adults have stories like I do, of finding myself in her creation more surely than I ever had in the plethora of media I consumed as a child. Many of us weirdos took in media as though gasping at air. We needed it to find our footing in the world, to gather our strength, to plot our schemes and desires. We needed some kind of ether, some gummy soup, in order to wade into the world safely. I needed a chance to observe who I was in what others imagined. But, often, I couldn't. 

Sure, I identified with the Simpsons's Lisa. With Hey Arnold's Helga. With countless creatures of television, books, radio, plays, pictures, movies, none of whom were a perfect fit. In high school, I was the oddball who couldn't name a personal idol to list in the "about us" section. I felt like there were small pieces of people I wanted to emulate, but I couldn't imagine emulating a whole person. Every famous celebrity, character, and persona was an ill fit for me. I was simply me. No one else. I wanted so badly to feel connected to the players of the world. I wanted to understand empathy. But media told me that I was on my own. The questions I had were wrong. The beliefs I held were uncomfortable. An appropriate world was one without me in it, I learned. And I internalized. And, eventually, I grew. And I am still growing. 

I'm grateful for the conversations Rebecca Sugar and others like her start in the world. In this podcast, she notes that bisexual people were rarely (*cough* never *cough*) represented as people in media growing up. They represented a sexual excess, or a "free spirit." No one cared about the idea of a shy bisexual person. 

We're here, though. And I hope, slowly, together, overcoming our shyness enough to break the mold of the appropriate. Of what's talked about. Of what symbols our media shares and spreads. 

I am perfectly appropriate, dammit. I have the right to learn that. I have the right to exist, in my old mold or those of someone else's. I get to choose. 

In promoting that message, in voicing our experiences, let's change what's appropriate, eh? Let's make an appropriate world with room for all of us. 

Today is day 8 of the 2-week writing challenge. I think we could all use an SCP-break. 

Today, I'd like to muse on the topic of language; specifically, the idea of a single word or short phrase that could, theoretically, mean everything. (Be warned, readers, this artsy, philosophical sh*t isn't for everyone. I won't be offended if you duck out now). 

Words and language have taken every kind of unknown form, and people keep expanding on the set. Generally, though, language serves two purposes. It lets people communicate: 

1. general things.

2. specific things.

For the most part, animals and our earliest ancestors did just fine communicating general things with noises, not language. Language helped people evolve because we got better at communicating shades of meaning. Truth-telling and spreading false information, revealing some information while hiding the rest, delving into the nitty gritty of a technical report or analysis of a novel or hues of a sunset -- all of these advancements and tools came about as we humans surged toward specific meaning. 

Even those people who prefer the wide, swathed mop of the universe over a fine detail brush's rendering have preferences. Particular habits. Many of us have a favorite brand of canned beans. 

Why do we like those beans better than others? Why is this basketball game better than the three early-season duds? Language lets us elucidate those preferences, find other people who share them, and talk about them. A bunch of other stuff happens along the way, but the crux of language's sweet spot lies in that story, again and again. 

Yet-- art is always changing, as is language. I like the idea of a finding or making a word that thinks big. Bloated. A word over-saturated and pressurized out the wazoo. A word so chocked full of meaning and weight and gravitas and depth and every soul-crushing and powerful and generous and heartening thing you and everyone like and dislike you has and will ever know. 

I want a big word. I also want to consider what we turn over in the mind, what language does without and within us, that 'big' becomes 'large' becomes 'huge' becomes 'monstrous' becomes 'gargantuan' becomes 'hopelessly enormous' and we sense the change in size. I don't think we can make the biggest, whole-est word until we ponder on that just a little. I do think there are some obvious things sticking out about that progression, though, in regards to the words we see on the page and read in our heads.

1. the bigger the term, in general, the more letters in the word (3, 5, 4, 9, 10, and 18, or 19 if you count the space character). Therefore, too, they take up more space on the page. 

2. the bigger terms have more syllables and 'heavy' vowels like the 'u' in "huge". Thus, they take longer to say.

3. the bigger terms use vowels that open the mouth up more (ie: 'ih' in "big" vs. 'hoe' and 'ee-noh' in"hopelessly enormous').

The last thing I want to note in this sequence of words, as we consider what it takes to be a word that encompasses everything, is the contextual weight of each one given where each of these words takes its meaning. Let's list them out again here for ease of reference. 

1. 'big' 

2. 'large' 

3. 'huge' 

4. 'monstrous' 

5. 'gargantuan' 

6. 'hopelessly enormous.'

1. 'big' is a common word, something we could say quickly to communicate ourselves clearly and simply

3. 'huge, coming from the Old French ahuge, represents size by measurement and addition. Not only is the word saying it's big, but it's big + X amount. 

4. 'monstrous' is the first of the words that turns visual, visceral. We know what monsters are, as well as their size.

5. 'gargantuan' takes the body of 'monster' and narrows it to a head. It's the name of a "voracious giant in Rabelais' book of the same name" from the year 1534. This bit of complex culture, beyond the simple culture of our collective nightmares and passed down for 500 years, makes the bigger word more tangible and gives it history.

6. If 'monstrous' drew power from childhood fear and 'gargantuan' from myth and legend, 'hopelessly enormous' does so by touching our existentialism. 'Enormous' is a letter-and-syllable-count cousin of "monstrous" and an etymological cousin of "huge." In other words, quantifiable and approaching specificity. But in this phrase 'enormous' is merely the base for the celebrated wedding cake of "hopelessly." This is the word that holds the deepest weight. 

The concept of 'hope' and what it means to people is more than myth and ghost story. It's one of the more real conceits on which humans string their everyday fortune. I like to think the dream is more powerful than the nightmare. 

Something big enough to take hope away, then -- to bring on hopelessness by its enormity -- is of a size hard to pin down, but a size that still manages to communicate the most important detail. However big the thing is, it will inspire hopelessness. No person approaching it could hope to overcome it, to deal with its hugeness. It's just that large. There's no hope for the thing, no way for people to shape it to our own purpose. Bigness, then -- the conceptual size of a word (even if we haven't yet approached the entire concept of "everything-ness", as intended at the start of our exercise) -- bigness is dependant on how malleable and conquerable a thing is by a human being. Or, collectively, by humanity.  

The exercise of a word that means "everything," consequently, might prove problematic. If the point of the word is to encompass all, that might make it too unwieldy to form in the first place. Too much disorder to be orderly.

One last note on 'bigness' in the English language. Communicating "bigness," its progression from simple, clear speech to terms weighty through cultural significance, seems intrinsically linked to specificity. 

If this holds true, is a word that means everything, that takes on the weight of all human meaning, more general or more specific?

...

Hard to say. 

Maybe both?

Neat. 

That about wraps up my thoughts for the day. Go spread the word -- peace, til tomorrow. 

I missed the deadline. Now what? It's 1:30am and I officially missed my chance to write every day. 

However: tonight I had an experience. Although I'm generally a stickler for the specifics of rules, I'd like to be a little less sticky. 

So tonight, I say: I'm writing. And the substance doesn't need to be much. Because I'm building the fodder of the next great story, by living it. 

That is all for tonight. Bonne nuit, mes petits lecteurs. 

Nurture your wonder. Til tomorrow, at least. 

Today (day  4  5 6 of the 2-week-writing challenge), I'd like to try something different finishing yesterday's entry a little more. Something I've been meaning forgotten to do for a while nearly 24 hours since I finished the last entry. Glad I remembered in time for today's entry. Wouldn't want to lose the bet -- (or fail to set up the punchline). 

Ever By now you've heard of I've kind of been forcing the SCP Foundation series down your throat?,Why has this whole writing challenge turned into some kind of weird text-editing experiment surrounding a wikipedia-like hub of articles and stories documenting paranormal, abnormal and otherwise weird stuff. It has things like redacted information or entries that, by their amendments, tell a story again and on top of that of the original SCP entry. Sometimes they have layers that can only be unlocked by higher-level Foundation personnel. This function fulfills a number of narrative roles, such as shielding the majority of the Foundation population from a terrible truth, allowing 2 or 3 senior personalities to duke it in their amendments, or simply revealing information that is, for lack of a better word, sensitive. Parts of the entry become visible as clickable links, input fields, and other, more clever solutions which usually resolve into CLEARANCE LEVEL ACCEPTED-type messages, revealing the entry's secrets to the reader. Finding these hidden trails, reading into innovative concepts as storytelling devices and sifting through the sheer creativity of the ideas are just a few of the reasons that I've become hooked on the genre. I'm not sure that anyone has defined it as a genre before, but there's no better word for it. It's that large and complex. 

I've been reading voraciously through the whole SCP database for a while now, and as with my Reddit account, I've largely been a lurker. Yet this year, I've begun I've begun to seek a greater sense of participation, to mixed results. I keep coming back, and my confidence toward the idea is growing, so I'm making to follow the scent to the end. venturing into helping others on Reddit, so maybe it's time for that SCP entry I've been meaning to write to make an appearance as well. One needs a registered account to post new SCP entries (or skips, as they're sometimes called), so I'm not sure just when/if this might make it on to the site until I get to the big stage, For now, it can live I'll hone my craft here. It's no One day I'd like to write an entry as inspiring as Here's hoping that I'm more fortunate in my exploration than those spelunkers of that bag of potatoes. but few of us are deep enough souls for that kind of worldbuilding, especially right here at the start.

The practicing step tool of today is playing with the use of version edits that show not only the history, such as changes to the entry added after the SCP's initial write-up, but also some kind of implied cover-up, information restricted to a higher clearance level. Especially with these limited, bold means. The only editing tools available are bold, italics, underline, strikethrough, fonts and punctuation. It's a wild west for simple coded messages. Let's see what happens.

---

SCP 5837 - Caveat Monetæ Emptor 

Item #: SCP-5837

Object Class: Euclid Safe Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-5837 is to be stored at Site-32 in the small-size artifact storage lockers. The locker number designated to SCP-5837 is to be changed every 9 days and SCP-5837 is to remain in its currently-designated locker at all times when not in testing, transit, or undergoing procedure ████. SCP-5837 is to undergo procedure ████ at least twice every 22 days. Intervals between procedures are not to exceed 15 days, though the spacing between procedures need not be regulated to the day beyond this point. Access is limited to Level 2 3 personnel and all personnel handling SCP-5837 must ██████████ once each lunar cycle. Personnel assigned to SCP-5837 who do not report for duty for a period extending of more than three (3) days in row without prior consent from their manager regardless of the reason given are to have their credentials and assets frozen immediately, with Task Force Cache-Omega deployed to track down and return SCP-5837 to Site-32. Personnel found absent from their stations in this manner, regardless of the reason for their absence, are to be administered Class A amnestics and monitored for one week before being reintroduced to their station.  will be assigned to Dr. Schreiber for observation.  

All testing of SCP-5837 is to take place within sub-basement four six. Personnel entering the testing chamber are to be searched prior to entry, with all paper-made or paper-like items removed and returned to said personnel following testing. Personnel found attempting to smuggle paper or paper products of any kind into the testing chamber will be administered class Q amnestics and relocated outside of the jurisdiction of the United States and all of its trading partners. Attempts to modify this constriction or solicit for real-world testing, regardless of intent or purpose, for the present date or future, are grounds for immediate dismissal ██████, pending Dr. Schreiber's release. reassignment and administration of level-5 amnestics. 

Description: SCP-5837, at present, when within the economic borders of the United States of America, appears to be a U.S. one dollar bill, folded and mildly crumpled, of indeterminate year U.S. dollar bill. Testing personnel who view the printing date on SCP-5837 unanimously claim it to be of 20th-century manufacture, but are unable to name the exact date printed on the bill when pressed. Efforts by Level 5 members of the anti-memetics division have determined the most commonly visible printing date, although technically not a distinct date of any kind, to be from the decade of the 1980's. Members of the amnestics team have recently recruited Professor Greenback from the University of Cleveland to assist in ongoing research surrounding SCP-5837. 

SCP-5837 displays no immediately observable effect when undergoing procedure ██████ so long as it changes hands without attachment to a service, product, experience or promise, and so long as it does not sit idle for a period of more than at least twice every 15-22 days., SCP-5837 does not impact the individuals who exchange it without motive negatively, nor does it exhibit effects on the outside world or global economy so long as all exchangers of SCP-5837 are not seeking any financial gain or recompense at the moment of exchange. Continued study of SCP-5837 has determined that, in the event that a single individual takes possession of SCP-5837 but does not spend or otherwise exchange SCP-5837, the individual is statistically more likely to have positive chance encounters dealing with financial matters. Positive encounters include, but are not limited to, the tendency of any paper product in the possession of SCP-5837's holder to convert into viable currency. In addition, long-term holders of SCP-5837 have experienced financial windfalls such as receiving an inheritance from a distant and unknown relative, finding large sums of unclaimed money in the street, and receiving dividends from stock options which, prior to the subject's interaction with SCP-5837, lay stagnant for years. The extent of this increase in positive encounters is currently under further study. with research priority escalated by O5-11. 

When SCP-5837 is exchanged as a form of commerce, however, its effects will increase exponentially with each successive "pass," exchange in the form of adverse circumstance to the exchanger and, eventually, to human commercial exchange at large. The extent of this reach on commerce was erroneously believed to fade over time, but further research has confirmed that SCP-5837's impact, while lessening over time, can have further implications far from the initial exchange event. See reconstructed historical timeline in Appendix A.1-5.

Discovery: SCP-5837 first came to the Foundation's attention in 1997 following the collapse of the Santa Monica Pier and midway. Foundation agents secured SCP-5837 through protracted efforts from alongside Bobby Graham, who was found amid the wreckage of the ring-toss stand clutching SCP-5837, crouched next to his father, who had been crushed by the recently-fallen arm of one of the ferris wheel carriages. Bobby was eventually convinced to relinquish SCP-5837 on the condition that the bill be torn up or otherwise destroyed. Foundation agents were successfully able to interview Bobby regarding the circumstances of his encounter with SCP-5837 without the knowledge of SCP-5837's continued existence coming to light (see Interview Log A1). However, Bobby's subsequent escape and creation of the sect now known popularly as Moneytheism, in addition to the interview conducted shortly before his death, indicate that an unknown member or members of Foundation staff shared the fact of SCP-5837's continued existence with Bobby in exchange for an unknown price. Some Foundation personnel have classified this exchange event as the first visible node of a potential $K-class scenario, which may result in a complete collapse of the global economy as all means of human and conceptual-biological exchange become unviable. The Foundation does not recognize these speculations as fact, nor has the viability of a $K-class global failure been confirmed. Further investigation is underway. Any Foundation personnel found perpetuating rumors of an impending $K-class scenario are to be placed under observation by Dr. Schreiber.  

The following represents the most up-to-date understanding of SCP-5837's adverse effects:

The extent of the damage caused by SCP-5837 is directly correlated to how many "passes" exchanges of SCP-5837 take place in a given period of time. Accordingly, effects that go beyond the individual are recorded have been observed only when SCP-5837 is passed exchanged a minimum of three (3) times in a 24-hour period. Notably, this window of time is measured not by atomic units of time, but is instead impacted by any human interpretation of time that might impact affect usual commercial operations. Research has confirmed that the window governing SCP-5837's effect is subject to time zones, the operating hours of major corporations, and schizophrenia. The impacts of SCP-5837 on the global economy are not well understood at this time. 

Individuals suffering from the effects of having exchanged SCP-5837, in addition to their material losses (see Interview Log A2 for examples), report a feeling of internal loss that Foundation researchers have been unable to identify. This feeling increases with each successive exchange, such that those who have traded SCP-5837 once report being bothered by this loss as by a persistent mosquito, or by the sensation that they have skipped lunch, with most reporting an ability to "tune out" the feeling to some degree of success with some dedicated practice. Those who exchange SCP-5837 two to three times indicate a deeper feeling of loss. Foundation researchers interviewing such individuals have reported an increasing disinterest in conducting their own interviews, with the repeated comment that completing the round of questioning "wasn't worth it." Foundation personnel expressing such sentiments have been disciplined, with individuals of greater seniority and clearance assigned to conduct interviews of personnel testing SCP-5837. Foundation records indicate that those subjects recorded on the testing schedules to for individuals exchangeing SCP-5837 more than three times never completed their testing. No logs exist for these tests and no individuals slated for testing are present in Foundation custody, nor are any records for these individuals beyond their names on the testing schedule. Further investigations into this matter are ongoing. 

In addition to its individual effects, SCP-5837 displays global effects on the national economy of the United States and, by virtue of the United States's role in the global economy, also worldwide. The extent of these effects are not yet well understood. Research into the global impact of SCP-5837 is to take priority over individual and sentimental testing as of August 28, 2018 by orders of Dr. Schreiber. 

Time is also a factor in calculating SCP-5837's effects. An individual who has exchanged SCP-5837 once will continue to suffer its effects with a half-life consistent with the inverse of the inflation rate of the U.S. dollar. SCP-5837 exchanges that impact more than one individual scale exponentially if SCP-5837 is exchanged multiple times in under a 24-hour period, but exchanges which are spaced out increase only linearly. Speculation into the exact rates and tables governing SCP-5837 exchange have been forbidden by Dr. Schreiber until more can be learned about SCP-5837's properties. 

...entry to be continued tomorrow. More developments tomorrow, again. 

Today (day  4  5 of the 2-week-writing challenge), I'd like to try something different finishing yesterday's entry. Something I've been meaning to do for a while nearly 24 hours. 

Ever By now you've heard of the SCP Foundation series?, a wikipedia-like hub of articles and stories documenting paranormal, abnormal and otherwise weird stuff. It has things like redacted information or entries that, by their amendments, tell a story again and on top of that of the original SCP entry. Finding these hidden trails, reading into innovative concepts as storytelling devices and the sheer creativity of the ideas are just a few of the reasons that I've become hooked on the genre. I'm not sure that anyone has defined it as a genre before, but there's no better word for it. It's that large and complex. 

I've been reading voraciously through the whole SCP database for a while now, and as with my Reddit account, I've largely been a lurker. Yet this year, I've begun I've begun to seek a greater sense of participation, to mixed results. I keep coming back, and my confidence toward the idea is growing, so I'm making to follow the scent to the end. venturing into helping others on Reddit, so maybe it's time for that SCP entry I've been meaning to write to make an appearance as well. One needs a registered account to post new SCP entries (or skips, as they're sometimes called), so I'm not sure just when/if this might make it on to the site until I get to the big stage, For now, it can live I'll hone my craft here. It's no One day I'd like to write an entry as inspiring as that bag of potatoes, but few of us are deep enough souls for that kind of worldbuilding, especially right here at the start. 

The practicing step today is playing with version edits that show the history. Especially with these limited, bold means. 

SCP 5837 - Caveat Monetæ Emptor 

Item #: SCP-5837

Object Class: Euclid Safe

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-5837 is to be stored at Site-32 in the small-size artifact storage lockers. The locker number designated to SCP-5837 is to be changed every 9 days and SCP-5837 is to remain in its currently-designated locker at all times when not in testing, transit, or undergoing procedure ██████. SCP-5837 is to undergo procedure ██████ at least twice every 22 days. Intervals between procedures are not to exceed 15 days, though the spacing between procedures need not be regulated to the day beyond this point. Access is limited to Level 2 personnel and all personnel handling SCP-5837 must submit to full bloodwork once each lunar cycle. Personnel assigned to SCP-5837 who do not report for duty for a period extending three (3) days in row without prior consent from their manager are to have their credentials and assets frozen immediately, with Task Force Cache-Omega deployed to track down and return SCP-5837 to Site-32. Personnel absent from their stations in this manner, regardless of the reason for their absence, are to be administered Class A amnestics and monitored for one week before being reintroduced to their station.  

All testing of SCP-5837 is to take place within sub-basement four. Attempts to modify this constriction or solicit for real-world testing, regardless of intent or purpose, for the present date or future, are grounds for immediate dismissal reassignment and administration of level-5 amnestics. 

Description: SCP-5837, at present, appears to be a U.S. one dollar bill, folded and mildly crumpled, of indeterminate year U.S. dollar bill. Testing personnel who view the printing date on SCP-5837 unanimously claim it to be of 20th-century manufacture, but are unable to name the exact date printed on the bill when pressed. Efforts by Level 5 members of the anti-memetics division have determined the most commonly visible printing date, although technically not a distinct date of any kind, to be from the decade of the 1980's. 

SCP-5837 displays no effect when undergoing procedure ██████. When SCP-5837 changes hands without attachment to a service, product, experience or promise, and so long as it does not sit idle for a period of more than 15-22 days, SCP-5837 does not impact the individuals who exchange it negatively, nor does it exhibit effects on the outside world or global economy. Continued study of SCP-5837 has determined that, in the event that a single individual takes possession of SCP-5837 but does not spend or otherwise exchange SCP-5837, the individual is statistically more likely to have positive chance encounters dealing with financial matters. The extent of this increase in positive encounters is currently under further study. 

When SCP-5837 is exchanged as a form of commerce, however, its effects will increase exponentially with each successive "pass," exchange in the form of adverse circumstance to the exchanger and, eventually, to human commercial exchange at large. See reconstructed historical timeline in Appendix A.

SCP-5837 first came to the Foundation's attention in 1997 following the collapse of the Santa Monica Pier and midway. Foundation agents secured SCP-5837 through protracted efforts from Bobby Graham, who was found amid the wreckage of the ring-toss stand clutching SCP-5837, crouched next to his father, who had been crushed by the recently-fallen arm of one of the ferris wheel carriages. Bobby was eventually convinced to relinquish SCP-5837 on the condition that the bill be torn up or otherwise destroyed. Foundation agents were successfully able to interview Bobby regarding the circumstances of his encounter with SCP-5837 without the knowledge of SCP-5837's continued existence coming to light (see Interview Log A1). However, Bobby's subsequent escape and creation of the sect now known popularly as Moneytheism, in addition to the interview conducted shortly before his death, indicate that an unknown member or members of Foundation staff shared the fact of SCP-5837's continued existence with Bobby in exchange for an unknown price. Further investigation is underway.  

The extent of the damage caused by SCP-5837 is directly correlated to how many "passes" exchanges of SCP-5837 take place in a given period of time. Accordingly, effects that go beyond the individual are recorded have been observed only when SCP-5837 is passed exchanged a minimum of three (3) times in a 24-hour period. Notably, this window of time is measured not by atomic units of time, but is instead impacted by any human interpretation of time that might impact usual commercial operations. Individuals suffering from the effects of having exchanged SCP-5837, in addition to their material losses (see Interview Log A2 for examples), report a feeling of internal loss that Foundation researchers have been unable to identify. This feeling increases with each successive exchange, such that those who have traded SCP-5837 once report being bothered by this loss as by a persistent mosquito, or by the sensation that they have skipped lunch, with most reporting an ability to "tune out" the feeling with some practice. Those who exchange SCP-5837 two to three times indicate a deeper feeling of loss. Foundation researchers interviewing such individuals have reported an increasing disinterest in conducting their own interviews, with the repeated comment that "it wasn't worth it." Foundation records indicate testing schedules for individuals exchanging SCP-5837 more than three times, but no logs exist for these tests and no individuals slated for testing are present in Foundation custody, nor are any records for these individuals, beyond their names on the testing schedule. Further investigations into this matter are ongoing. 

In addition to its individual effects, SCP-5837 displays global effects on the national economy of the United States and, by virtue of the United States's role in the global economy, also worldwide. The extent of these effects are not yet well understood. 

Time is also a factor in calculating SCP-5837's effects. An individual who has exchanged SCP-5837 once will continue to suffer its effects with a half-life consistent with the inverse of the inflation rate of the U.S. dollar. SCP-5837 exchanges that impact more than one individual scale exponentially if SCP-5837 is exchanged multiple times in under a 24-hour period, but exchanges which are spaced out increase only linearly. 



...entry to be continued tomorrow. More developments tomorrow.