Today I'm remembering lessons. That seems the best way to put it. I recall how just before college I was treated to a treatise on persistence that left a mark. I remember, too, clinging to that gifted pearl of wisdom when confronted by my first shocking failure: rejection from a creative writing course on the supernatural. Persona rejection, too. It had followed my submission of a writing sample, what I considered my best work, which the professor had, a week prior, summarily deposited in the "try again later" pile. At least, that's how I interpreted it. It's likely he would have used a less sympathetic classification. When I faced his decision -- an automatic email notifying me of my disenrollment--I didn't have to think about it. I remembered that sage advice. I resolved to, with the professor's permission, show up for the course anyway. I figured I could learn from the audit. After a terse back-and-forth via email, the professor agreed, on one condition: that I understood I could not, would not, contribute in any meaningful way to the class.
I was tough as nails, I thought. No problem. I reasoned, too, that if it was all about the learning, I could even find peace in my mute observations.
When the next class period came, the professor launched into the topic right away. I was captivated. Yet, as he talked, he pointed out similarities or connections to our reading assignment with my would-be classmates' writing samples. He only threw out bits and pieces, but what he said was impressive. What they were was impressive. I wondered, what was I?
I did not return for another class. Persistence wasn't enough to make me go.
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In recalling this incident, I think that persistence would have been enough, if only I'd believed in myself. It's a hard thing to beat down that inner voice worrying my pursuits. Still, I measure some kind of progress.
Even now, a mean inner-me plants doubt. How do I know it's not simply wishful thinking? How do I know I'll be strong enough to keep going, past and through rejection? How can I guarantee my own backbone?
I do not! But my sister's advice comes in as another pearl today. She told me, as she herself had to be told:
"stay where you are (in the moment), don't worry about the past, don't fret about the future. Just do what you're doing now, and make it count." Essentially,
I'm grateful I can count on those who care about me to add their voices to the inner-mean chorus. And knowing I have love and support no matter how many times I fail: that just might be enough to keep me going.
Now: back to where I am.
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We have another non-fiction post today, which means a fiction post will follow soon.*
Stay tuned, dear readers!
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*Fact-checking is important, dear readers. It looks like I'm shy three fiction entries! They'll be coming up this week.